Am I losing my mind? The menopause and me.

Last October I was on my International Mountain Leader Summer Training course in North Wales, we were mid-way through our mountain day and the instructor asked our group for a volunteer to talk about lichens. No-one put their hand up so I thought I’d give it a crack. I know my stuff and have been talking about lichens and mosses to many groups for well over a decade however this time my memory failed me. I had talked about Sphagnum and Star mosses and was now onto  lichens of which there are many thousands out there.

Me to the group – “a lichen is a symbiotic association between a fungus and an amoeba”

Instructor to me – “are you sure about that?”

Brain shouting at me – what the HELL are you saying?!!! You know that’s not right you idiot!

Me to Brain – well, you tell me what the freeeeeking thing is beginning with A then!

Brain to Me – Come on, we know this, but it seems to have got lost somewhere or you’ve thrown away the key to that particular box in me.

Me to Instructor, slightly embarrassed – “I know that’s not right, but I seem to have forgotten l what the A is”

Instructor to Me – “don’t worry, we all have brain farts now and then”

However, this brain fart was not just a ‘now and then’, it seemed to be the latest of many which had been happening for the last few years. I probably first noticed 3 or so years ago when I was trying to describe a jet ski to a friend. ‘You know, it’s a quad bike that goes on the water’ I said, searching around for the right words. She laughed, I laughed and walked on.

Lately it’s been getting worse and I’ve had particular issues when training my DofE groups, forgetting simple words that I use on a regular basis such as compass, map and pavement so I thought I ought to get it checked out. I rang my doctor’s surgery and was given a phone consultation with a new Doctor. We discussed my symptoms plus a few other things which seem to be adding up to, you know, that ‘change of life’ time. When I mentioned the menopause, she said with vigour that I was too young. ‘But I’m 50’ I said. ‘Yes, I see that, but the average age is 51 so you are too young’. I was somewhat baffled and we ended the conversation with her saying that I was probably stressed due to Covid and everything that had gone on for the last year.

I didn’t want to leave it there though as it wasn’t just the brain fog that I was experiencing. Cold sweats, hot flushes that felt like my head is on fire, sleepless nights and lethargy during the day, sore joints, a diminished capacity to learn new things, weight gain which I had put down to being injured a couple of years ago and probably one too many glasses of wine after my Father passed away which had become a bit of a bad habit and jumpy legs which drive me crazy, to name but a few. They all added up to a range of symptoms which are fairly common amongst ‘ladies of a certain age’ and all a complete pain in the backside. Not content with the stress diagnosis I called my Surgery again and asked to have a phone chat with my regular Doctor who knows me very well.

When we chatted, she understood my symptoms and said we’d try me on HRT and Progesterone tablets for a few months to see if that helped, and also for me to have a blood test ‘just to check that nothing else is going on regarding your memory’ so when the phone call came through with my results and I was told ‘yes, you are definitely going through the menopause’ I didn’t know whether to laugh or cry. ‘It confirms what I thought’ I said to the lovely lady on the phone. ‘You are not going mad’ she said, ‘this is normal’.

It explained so much. The brain fog, the other symptoms. It explains the time on Vinson when I forgot how to tie a simple figure of 8 knot. I have tied so many, know them well, it’s part of my job to know these things but that particular time, with a few world-renowned guides watching on, I completely forgot. It was as if a little gremlin was sat on the rope laughing at me in a high-pitched voice ‘hahahahaha…. these people think you are stupid!’. Anders was willing me on as if to go ‘you know what you are doing’ but in the end I gave up and a very embarrassed Rolfe came over and tied it for me. Was I embarrassed? No, not in the slightest, just extremely baffled. I laughed it off and moved on.

I know that the menopause will be with me for the next few years and I need to make friends with the this rather than fight it so I am finding coping strategies to deal with the varying things that are going on. I have a long-term memory of an elephant but short term seems to be slightly lacking at the moment. I’m amazed when I turn up at the right job in the right place at the right time and have gone into overdrive with reminders and making notes. When teaching students I now mention that I sometimes forget words due to the menopausal brain fog, so please bear with me. I wasn’t sure how this would go down but honesty is the best policy and I usually get ‘oh my Mum is like that’ as a reply and we move on. It certainly doesn’t mean I am less effective at my job, it just means that I need to give myself some grace now and then.

Every woman is different and what works for one may not work for another so I’m not going to start giving out advice and say that this is the best thing ever or to avoid that. There is a lot of advice out there and it takes time to figure out what works for you personally. I listened to Jenny Éclair’s book ‘Older and Wider’ which is not only hilarious but also a great source of comfort and information. She says regularly during the book what I have said above, everyone is different and her book is about her particular journey. I have listened to Catie Friend’s podcast Chatting to a Friend with guest Baz Moffat who co-runs The Well HQ, a great source of advice about the menopause and so much more, as well as Catie’s podcast with fellow adventurer Jo Moseley who is very open about her menopausal trials and tribulations and there are many more books and podcasts which I have read and listened to with interest. I have given up alcohol not only to combat the weight gain but also because I simply couldn’t afford it and for both of those reasons have also gone 90% veggie. I feel healthier for the changes and my wallet is healthier and happier too.

I haven’t written this little blog as a woe-is-me piece but to say to other women going through the same, I hear you. We are all in the same storm but we may well be in different boats, a saying that has been bandied about during Covid which works for this too. It’s also a blog to say to lads and lasses around us ladies who are going through this particular time of our lives, please give us some grace. There is so much more out in the media than there used to be and it’s definitely more acceptable to talk about however I do see the horror in some people’s faces when I mention ‘The M word’. Please, don’t be horrified but be open to learning how to help us adapt and cope.

Here’s to hitting 50 and to entering a new era of my life. Here’s to learning in a different way, to adapting to something I have little control over, to making friends with this change and working my way through it to come out the other side stronger than before.

Here’s to life.